#Helmet Party forever tho sorry

[marionmorse]

Short Fuse is the funniest fucking ship name to me because it's: 'oh yeah, fuse! Like bombs having a fuse! That's a cute way to reference Demo!'

and then engie's just short.

[hermankopusortizorsumshite]

You and Kozik were best friends. He was always with you when he wasn’t with the MC. When he had down time, he spent it at your place.

“Hey princess? You busy right now?” He asks, calling you your favorite nickname, though you had plenty of those.

“Nah, why? You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m good. Just had a question. I’m getting patched into SAMCRO tonight, wondered if you’d wanna come hang out?” You considered it, but you weren’t sure where you’d fit in.

“I don’t know, Koz. I’m not really SAMCRO material. I’’m not a crow eater, and I’m not an old lady. Ya know?” You ask, but you hear a chuckle on the other end.

“Hey, as far as anyone’s concerned its just you and me. A’right? Anyway, get dressed I’m already on my way.” He chuckles, hanging up on you. You got dressed, though you contemplated not doing it. A pair of black studded shorts, biker boots, and his old SAMTAC shirt that you’d hacked into an off the shoulder top. “Hey!” He shouts as he jogs up the steps to greet you. His eyes fell to the short shorts and exposed collarbone. He frowned for a moment.

“What?” You ask, his facial expression not going unnoticed.

“Nothin’. You ready?” You nod hesitantly, not sure what he’d been thinking, but you ignore it, putting on your helmet. As the two of you climbed onto the motorcycle, he hauls your bare legs up around his waist. “You’re gonna burn ‘em.” He shouts over the roar of the bike before he takes off, heading back to Charming with his girl hugged tight to him. His girl. That had a ring to it, didn’t it? He shook his head to clear his thoughts as he pulled into Teller-Morrow. How did you expect to fit dressed like that? Short shorts and his old SAMTAC tee, or what was left of it, you stood out. Shivering as the chilly breeze swept past you, Kozik took the opportunity to offer you his SAMCRO sweatshirt from the bag mounted over the handlebars. You declined his offer, sitting on the table and putting your boots on the seat of the picnic table.

“This wasn’t a good idea. I’m not some crow eater, and the minute I walk in there its gonna be up for grabs.” You sigh, starting towards the road to call a cab.

“Hey, I said I got you. I got you.” He assures, steering you into the building. You’re met with hugs and greetings alike, all nice and welcoming. “Guys, this is my ol’ lady.” You choke on his words, coughing quickly to cover it up.

“Nice man, where’s her crow?” Tig asks, eyeing your exposed skin.

“Doesn’t have it yet.” He barks, you watch the anger and hatred float between the two like a heavy rain cloud.

“Tiggy, Lanna, Lanna this is Tig.” He nips, a protective hand covering your hip as he pulled you against him. Tig kissed your knuckles like a gentleman, and you blushed. Kozik was quick to wheel you away from his friends, sitting you at a table with Gemma and Tara before he disappeared into the crowd. You were hurt when you found women fawning over him, the freshest meat in the place, but he was jealous of even Tig’s gentlemanly gesture. So much so he sat you at the mom table.

“So you and Kozik, how long you two been together?”

“A year,” you respond, watching him chuckle when a woman purrs something in his ear. She nibbles on his ear and kisses at his neck. You roll your eyes and heave a sigh. Perfect timing. You giggle as Tig finds his way to you, a drink in his hand and a smile on his face.

“Hey darlin’ you look lonely. Mind if I join?” Gemma and Tara had gotten up and disappeared leaving you there with Tig. His arm lands over your shoulder as he kicks back, enjoying the party. “You and Kozik, he’s never mentioned you before. You really his ol’ lady?”

“No, just his friend. He wanted me here to celebrate, though I’m not sure why. I haven’t seen him since he almost ate your head off.” You shrug, feeling your heart ache.

“Sorry doll, I guess he’s soaking it in, huh? You okay here? I’ll take ya home if you like. No questions asked. I’ll be a perfect gentleman.” He chuckles. You nod, accepting his offer. You were plenty ready to get away from this madness. Kozik’s eyes fall on Tig’s hand leading you out of the building, and he follows hot on your heels.

You accept the helmet from Tig, slipping it on and adjusting it before getting onto the back of his motorcycle. Kozik watched on as the two drove out of the lot. He was seething, he couldn’t believe you’d just leave without saying anything. Starting his bike after a moment, he followed them for a little ways, they were headed back to Tacoma. He stopped in the middle of the lane, turned around and went back to TM. She must’ve been tired, he assures as he heads back into the party. An hour later Tig arrived back, and by then Kozik was drunk enough to confront him.

“You enjoy her?” He slurs, stepping into Tig’s path.

“What?” The ebony-haired man asks, eyes squinting at the drunk.

“You heard me. Did you?”

“She’s home safe, if that’s what you’re asking. I didn’t do anything, you moron. I just took her home like she asked.” He rolls his eyes trying to step passed the drunken man.

“Tiggy, did you fuck her?”

“No man! Stop asking!” He barks.

“Tig, did you fuck her?” He shouts, stopping everyone.

“NO! I TOOK HER HOME!” He shrieks, slamming his beer on the table and squaring his shoulders. He watched the blonde teeter for a second..

“Why didn’t she tell me she wanted to go home, then?” He asks.

“Because you were a little busy with her.” He waves a hand to the crow eater tucked under his arm.

“Nah, it doesn’t matter. She’s just a friend, not like she cares who I bang as long as I give her a little dick too.” He slurs, not realizing what he said. Without a second thought, he and the crow eater head to his room.

Tig stood there in shock, with everyone else. Kozik wasn’t shy about his sex life, even bragged most times, but he’d never mentioned you that way before. Tig wondered if that was how he really felt. He stewed on what Kozik said all night. You were a sweet girl, shy but you seemed to really like that blonde moron. Tig had respected you, even in a way that Kozik hadn’t.

“Morning,” Kozik grumbles, walking passed him.

“You’re an asshole. I’ve tried to justify what you said all night. All night, but I can’t.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He barks, wincing at his headache.

“You were so drunk you don’t even remember.” He laughs, taking a drink from his coffee cup.

“What? And where did Lanna go last night?”

“I took her home.”

“Ah, thanks man.”

“You know you said that she was your friend, and it didn’t matter who you banged as long as she got some dick too?” Kozik stopped mid step towards the bathroom and turned around.

“Nah, I didn’t do th—“

“You sure did, in front of everyone here. That wonderful crow eater got your phone after you passed out, called her and told her what you said. Said she was lucky enough to get some of that Kozik dick too.” Gemma interrupts him, clasping her hands together. Gemma watched on as his eyes bulged and darkened, his hands visibly shaking.

“No, no I didn’t. She’d never believe that crow eater.” He assures himself more than anyone else. “Would she?” He questions it, but he stops thinking and runs for his bike. He had to make it up to her. She probably thought the worst of him. He invited her to this party, and was insulted.

He tore into the driveway to find another motorcycle there. Happy’s. He started towards the door when Happy met him on the porch, arms crossed over his chest.

“She doesn’t wanna talk, man.” He barks, watching Kozik head towards the back door.

“I gotta see her. I gotta apologize, man. I said some shit-“

“We all know what you said.” He drones, pushing him back.

“Well I gotta apologize shithead! Let me through!” He pleads, looking through the window trying to get a glimpse of you.

You sat on the bathroom floor bawling, you hadn’t quit since you got the call from that crow eater bitch. You knew you shouldn’t be upset. After all, he wasn’t wrong. You’d occasionally slept together, but it was something intimate, something you didn’t share with anyone. You supposed you shouldn’t be mad, you were the one who didn’t want to be an ol’ lady. You didn’t want the title, so how could you want the benefits?

“Princess! I know you can hear me!” He shouts, his voice quaking and muffled through the walls. “Lanna! Please! I didn’t mean what I said!” He shouts.

Kozik pounded on the door relentlessly, praying you’d let him in. Finding some kind of strength, you stumble your way to the door unlocking it and swinging it open before heading back to the safety of the bathroom, locking the door behind you.

“Babygirl, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that shit. Fuck, I was so drunk. I’m sorry.” He whispers, eyes pleading you.

“Did you enjoy her?” You snip, hearing the one thing click and the door open. He saw you in a mess on the floor, eyes bright red and swollen. His heart broke.

“Oh princess. Christ baby. I’m so sorry.” He drops to his knees, gathering you into his strong arms.

“Did you like it?” You whisper, trying to pull away from him.

“I don’t remember it. I just remember this morning when they told me what I said. I’m sorry for ditching you, too. I didn’t mean it.” You shrug.

“I can’t be mad. It’s not fair. I told you I’d never be an ol’ lady.” You huff, trying to stop crying.

“Babygirl, I shouldn’t have done it. I never should have invited you and then acted the way I did. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me.” He whispers, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“It’s okay baby, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I left without saying anything. Don’t worry tho, that Tig was a total gentleman, even offered to sleep on the couch if I needed someone here.” You chuckle.

“I’m really sorry.” He whispers, gripping you tightly against his body. Pressing hard kisses to your forehead, he grabs your face, planting a hot and heavy kiss on your lips. “Fuck that old lady bull crap, be my wife. I’ll be your husband.” He whispers, still hugging you tightly.

“Kozik, you don’t mean that.” You hush, pushing him away from you.

“Yeah I do. I want you, forever. Whatever our little pissing match was yesterday, it’s over. You and me, now and forever. I’m not taking no for an answer. So shut up, get up, and let’s go on a real date. Preferable before Happy gets in here and kills me.” You chuckle and stand up, letting him lead you out of the bathroom.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” He presses a hard kiss to your lips once more, dragging you tightly against his body.

[areswriting]

a x e : iii

“Abram, did you hear me?”

Elise’s voice shakes with a second and third apology, but I keep my head down, hands folded tightly beneath my chin. Hockey practice and a four mile run did nothing to tame the beast inside me, so willing to rear its ugly head, so hard to contain. I don’t know what might crawl out of me if I speak to her, much less look at her.

“Abram, you can’t be mad at me over this,” Elise continues, her voice straining further. “We’re friends, right? Please, accept my apology. I didn’t mean it.”

Heart racing, I slide out of my seat and head for the door.

“Abram? Where are you going? Mrs. Pierce is trusting us not to leave!” The click of Elise’s heels on the tile lets me know she’s following me—as a warning to turn away, I push the door open with so much force that it hits the outside wall with a loud thud.

“Abram!” Elise shouts, and I feel her cold, bony hand snatch my forearm. She tries to urge me to face her just as I pull myself out of her graveyard of a grasp.

“You really need to leave me alone, Elise,” I say, stepping toward her.

Instinctively, she steps away—her back against a row of pale green lockers.

“I said I’m sorry,” she says. “Why can’t you just get over it? And not once have you said sorry to me, by the way.” She moves, as if she’s going to walk away, as if she’s going to get the last word, as if she’s going to add another insult to injury. “Strays can’t learn new tricks, can they?”

I shove my hands against the lockers, trapping her there.

“There you go again,” I say, slapping the ball of my right hand against a locker door. The whole thing moves and clatters. “What the hell do you want from me? One minute you declare our friendship and the next I’m just a stray with a fat girlfriend? Fuck that!” I shout the last words and hit the locker again, only this time with my fist. I feel my scars opening up, the blood trickling down my knuckles. But the ache in my chest is gone.

“I’m so goddamn tired of people like you—fucking manipulative and cruel people who only care about you when it’s convenient for them. I have enough of that in my life, I don’t want it from you. Do you hear me, Elise?” I move in closer and shout, “Do you hear me?” as I let my first slam into the locker again; this time it hits dangerously close to the left side of her head.

The blind rage fades and the look of complete terror on her face anchors me to the ground. I swear I think she’s shaking—and so am I. Half from anger, half from fear. What did I just do? I look at her closely—and I feel a weight lift off of my shoulders that there is no blood on her face. I had gone so mad with anger that I wasn’t fully aware of what I had just done until it was over. Bile rises in my throat and I turn away from her, ashamed that I allowed my father to root himself into me so deeply that he can come out whenever he wants.

△ ▼ △ ▼

I feel myself hyperventilating as I wash the blood from my hands; Crimson swirling down the sink—forever staining the bright white porcelain. I look at myself in the mirror and I see my mother looking back at me. With sad blue eyes and lips pinched into a thin line of disappointment, because my mother knew nothing of anger—and I greet it like an old friend.

I fling the water from my hands and look at the bathroom counter; a green pill bottle sits close to the sink from all of the times I considered taking them, but never have. The urge to take one rises and I run my fingers through my hair in thought.

A heart beat later, my phone buzzes from my pocket.

S: Kai?

I sink to the floor and stare at the screen of my phone, knees pulled against my chest.

K: Sylvia, I did something bad.

S: What happened?

K: I let my anger get the better of me and I scared not only myself, but someone else, too. A girl at my new school, she’s been pretty awful to me Syl. We got into an argument and I think I blacked out. I thought I hit her. I didn’t, I hit a locker but when I came out of it, I thought I did. I’m really scared. I’m not like this.

S: I know you’re not. Maybe she deserved it, then. Girls at that school can be terrible.

K: No one deserves that, Syl.

S: And you don’t deserve to be treated so poorly.

K: Who do you know here?

S: No one worth wasting time talking about. I’ll text you in the morning, I’m really tired.

K: Me too. I love you, Sylvia.

Hours later, I find the strength to pick myself up from the bathroom floor, but only enough to get me to my bed. I scroll through my call log—September, August, July, June…

Mom

↱ Mobile (617-555-0832) 5:52pm

My thumb hovers over the last time I called my mother—the last day that she was alive. With a deep breath, I tap the screen, and a picture of us smiling together pops up, and the line begins to trill. Once, twice…

“Hey, you’ve reached Emilia Dyer. I can’t take your call right now, but if you leave your name and number I’ll call you back! Thanks.”

The phone beeps and I swallow the lump in my throat.

“Maman, je ... Tu me manques vraiment en ce moment et, euh, j'avais besoin d'entendre ta voix ... Je t'aime.”

I choke back tears as I end the call, sending a voice message no one will ever hear.

△ ▼ △ ▼

I skate into a sea of white and green jerseys—usually a tactic to troll your opponent; but for me, at this game, it was like going home. I take my helmet off and tuck my stick under my arm. The Boston Bear’s goalie is the farthest away, but the first to notice me.

“Holy shit! Dyer?!” Brody hollers.

Everyone on their end of the ice turns to look at me—and before I know it I’m being knocked to the ground by almost off of my old teammates. Eventually, the dog pile ends and Brody helps me to my feet, his Cheshire-cat smile fully exposed as he pulls me in for a hug. I know we look like a couple being reunited—because everyone always thought we were. Some things never change, not even after months of absence.

“I can’t believe you go to this preppy bullshit school,” he

says. “At least they have a decent hockey program.”  

“Yeah,” adds Blake, who gives me a playful push. “Have you  grown a vagina yet?”

I laugh. “Not yet, but I think all of them have,” I say, using  my stick to point at the yellow and purple jerseys behind me.

“I miss you guys.”  

“Bro, we miss you, too,” says Blake. “Hey, no matter who wins or loses this one—we’re partying after.”

I nod and put my helmet back on before skating back to the right side of the ice for warm-ups. It’s bittersweet seeing my old teammates like this—and if it wasn’t for my competitive nature, I would throw the game so that they would win.  

Instead I play my heart out and focus on not passing the puck

to the wrong team. Their last names

printed bold and green are too familiar and I try not to fall into old habits.

I see the name ROSE on a yellow jersey and slap the puck to

him—mostly because he is the only person who is open. He is

able to get his stick on it and  slide it past Brody’s knee and

into the net. Everyone on the team gathers to celebrate his

goal and my assist—only I’m the odd man out, and  I get a

single pat on the helmet from a kid named Sebastian.  

I try to shake it off and continue to focus on winning the

game—which is tied 1-1. There’s no luck in the third period,

or the five minute overtime—so the game goes into a

shootout. A Bears forward goes first, but Tucker denies them.

Then Jason is up for us,  but he shoots right into Brody’s

glove.

Coach taps me on the shoulder and urges me onto the ice. I

skate to center ice and let the puck

dance from the end of my stick. The advantage I have on Brody is knowing all of his weak spots.

The advantage he has on me is knowing the move I always go for. It all comes down to speed. Can

he block me faster than I can get the puck over his shoulder?

No.

The buzzer sounds and the crowd cheers. I don’t even try to

celebrate with the guys in yellow. Instead I leave the ice

entirely.

△ ▼ △ ▼

S: How did your game go?

K: We won in a shootout! Bittersweet, tho. I played my old school. Upside is now we’re partying together.

S: Awesome. Don’t get too drunk and kiss other girls.

K: Baby, you’re the only person I want to kiss.

I put my phone back into my pocket and finish my beer. I thought I felt at home with them on the ice—but now I feel like I’m really at home. Their Coach rented the biggest cabin I’ve ever seen, and it reminded me so much of my aunt and my mother. Though there were a few things out of place—like drunk girls drowning in Chanel, and the random dude-bro here and there from Middlebury Academy. Though, they were like me. The rich bastard children of the school.

“Abram!” a shrill voice says. I look across the room to see Sophie waving her arm wildly at me. Thought I’m more concerned about who she has standing beside her. Elise.  

“You have a fan club?” asks Brody, who is sat beside me on the kitchen counter. “And you go by Abram now? What the f***, Kai?”

“Who is Kai, and where is my drink?” Sophie says, flinging her hair over her shoulder.

Brody grabs a bottle of Miller High Life and offers it to her. “This,” he inclines his head toward me, “is Kai. Who is your friend?” he asks, looking at Elise.

“Um, hello,” Sophie holds her hands up. “Acrylics. I can’t open that.” She looks at me after shoving the beer away. I notice Brody roll his eyes as he pops the cap off. “So you used to be called Kai? How is that a nick-name for Abram?”

“It isn’t,” I say. “Malachi is my middle name. I used to go by Kai,” I explain, and I pick up a bottle of beer and hold it out for Elise. “Brody, this is Elise, Elise, Brody.”

Brody flashes a smile at her. “Wow, Kai, things sure have changed for you, huh?” he jabs his elbow into my side and laughs.

“I’m surprised to see either of you here,” I say, mostly speaking to Elise. “I didn’t think that this was your type of scene.”

“Well, it isn’t the Ritz, but Elise here saw your Instagram story and you guys looked like you were having so much fun,” Sophie shrugs. “Plus, your Snapchap is geotagged. So we knew exactly where to find you.”

“That’s not fucking creepy or anything,” Brody whispers. I snort.

“So, Abram, you want to go somewhere quiet?” asks Sophie.

“Actually,” I clear my throat. “I need to talk to Elise about something.” I rub my fingers over my raw knuckles and swallow hard. “Come outside with me?”

I can see the hesitation from her body language but she nods, and I hop off of the counter. I lead Elise to the backdoor of the cabin, which opens up onto a huge wrap-around deck that overlooks the lake. I let her out first then shut the door behind us.

“We can go down to the bonfire if you want,” I say, gesturing to the stairs. “It is sort of cold.”

This time she takes charge and I follow behind her down the wooden stairs and onto grass. She takes a seat by the fire, and I sit far enough away from her to show that I’m not a threat.

“I want to tell you something,” I say, glancing from her to the fire. “Something I haven’t told anyone. Well, no one here.” I take a swallow of a fresh beer and run my hand down the side of my face. “Back in June, um, my mom died. Car accident,” I explain. “I was driving when someone came into our lane and hit us head on.”

I let out a shaky breath, the words burn as they come out, and I look at Elise. “She was everything to me, the only family I had, my best friend. And, uh. She’s gone…and now I’m here, where I don’t belong, forced to live with a man who has never claimed me as his own, and I know he never will. And, I’ve come to terms with that—or I thought I did. I don’t know. But what I do know, is that ever since I lost her, my world hasn’t been right. I haven’t been right.”

I turn to face her and I feel tears well in my eyes—I think she can see them pooling, but I don’t let them fall. I let them dry, like the back of my throat. “Sorry can’t fix what I did the other day, and I’m not using anything as an excuse—it’s just, I have no one, not really. I am a stray. And you insulted the one constant person in my life. And it hurt me, because I know how much it would hurt her if someone said something like that to her.”

“But even sometimes, I don’t have her,” I go on, and I am not sure why I am still talking about Sylvia. I sigh and shake my head. “I’m lonely, Elise. And you—you were the first person who gave me the time of day here—and yes you hurt me, but that doesn’t change anything. We have a connection, and…I think we need each other.” I lick my lips and scoot a little closer. “I can forgive you, but can you forgive me?”